Dear Billy -- A dark and personal essay

Dear Billy: a deeply personal, and serious essay, filled with SPOILERS!!!! Our brand is silly and dark. Today we are doing dark. You have been warned.

Trigger warnings: grief, loss of a loved one, abuse, suicide.

Please do not read if those themes bother you or at any time if you feel uncomfortable. This is a personal response to the show and the story behind the shade. Be kind to us, and be kind to you.

Dear Billy is a complicated shade for me. For most people, when they think of, or feel, grief, they think of “blue”. But for me, grief is red, or sepia tone/de-saturation, so Dear Billy is a shade that for me is an expression of that emotion. I cannot watch this episode of Stranger Things without crying. When Max sits at Billy’s grave, and reads him the letter, I cannot prevent the tears. When she is pulled into Vecna’s mindlair, the tears become unpreventable. I too lost a brother. I too was so angry at him. I have sat at his grave, and told him so, just like Max.

Max feels abandoned by those that love her, and she seeks out her mother for comfort. Her mother isn’t there, evident throughout the season (and in previous seasons), and her pattern of neglect resonates in this episode. When Vecna calls to Max in the scene where she visits the trailer, she thinks her mother is there. She is desperately calling out to the person that is supposed to be there to protect her, but never has been. It may not be her mother’s fault that Billy dies, but she also wasn't there to hold her in the aftermath. Neglect is powerful and horrifying. It pervades every crack in your life where love and fulfillment should be. Neglect trains you to believe that you deserve less. So when something (Billy) is taken from Max, she believes that is what she deserves, and that it is her fault.

In the episode, Max tells Billy in her letter that she hated him and wished he was gone. She also blames herself and said it should have been her. I was so angry that my brother was gone for a very long time, but I did not get the chance to hate him. My brother passed away as an infant. He never got to experience the horror that is the world we live in. And he never got to dance in the light of the joy we find in slices of that horror. I was angry he was gone, because I was jealous. He never had to fight, or struggle. He never got to dream, but he also never failed. I have sat at his grave and told him, it should have been me instead.

 The next part of the episode where upside down Billy speaks to Max resonates with me deeply. He tells her that late at night, she wishes she could join him. Many people, myself included, find solace in the idea of following their loved ones into the darkness. Max has been ready since she lost Billy to give up on life, her friends, and herself. Upside down billy is only telling her about herself, he's not really there. And she has chosen to succumb those inner thoughts. Her grief is a bright, violent red, and a dark depression of gray.

Enter, “Running Up That Hill”. Max plays the song throughout the season, and it becomes only more important at this pinnacle moment. It is the only thing that Max still loves and she feels grounded when she hears it. The best line in the song for me, is “I’d made a deal with god, and get him to swap our places”. It captures the undertone of Max’s desire to trade herself in so Billy could come back, and for me, I would happily have traded with my brother too. The shade, Dear Billy, is representative of my grief for him, and my love for the episode that pulled those feelings out of me and showed me, in HD, in a way I had never seen before. I have long known that darkness can be beautiful. But this moment in particular was a spark for me.

Max finds a spark too. She hears the song off in the distance and it reminds her of herself, her friends, and everything she loved once. She remembers what it was like to feel joy, and hope and a sunny day. She is in a dark hole of black and red and empty. She has already welcomed the horror of that place, thinking that is what she deserves. But that moment of brightness gives her hope to believe that maybe, just maybe, there is light and she is allowed to have some of it. Max running towards that bright circle of possibilities reminded me of everything that I hold on to in my dark days. It reminded me that we choose, every day, who we are, and what we will do that with the possibilities of being.

 Every time I watch this sequence, I forgive myself for living and for my brother not. I forgive myself for being angry, and for wishing we could trade places.  He was not given the chance to choose, but I can choose for the both of us. I, like Max, can choose to live, and bring beauty where I can. The darkness is part of me, and it always will be. But I can sprinkle in the light where it will fit, and I hope to share some of that light with you. I sprinkled some brightness into the red of Dear Billy. I hope you like it, but even if you don’t, I hope you can appreciate the artistry and joy that it brought me, and will hopefully bring others.

We are all stuck here. The least we can do is be kind to ourselves, be kind to others, and find a way to shine a light in the darkness from time to time.

Xoxo

Apocalypse Annie